shattered heart

its 2007...
suppose to be a happie new year.
but i am not happie at all.
here i am crying like nobody's business..

i din get the chance to see fireworks..
i din get the chance to spend time with him at the last min of 2006..
i only get the chance to have NOTHING..
to have unhappiness..
to have loneliness.

i have been crying from 10plus till the clock strikes 12am in just a few mins ago.
i can no longer differentiate whether my stomach is painful or my heart feel more pain.

i guess he will never know how painful i am..
he's outside enjoying drinks with friends now..
while i'm at home with my pain alone.

thought he will come to find me awhile...
but eventually..
he never did.


i still remember the date ..
the special day ..
[ 19.07.2006 ]
was going overseas the next day..
19th july was the 13th days after we begin our r/s..
thought i wouldn't be seeing him until i come back from overseas...
he was with friends i guess.
i was at home..
not feeling too well that particular day as i was having a fever.
he called me ard 8pm plus...
asking me where am i..
i replied..
home.
he asked me to look downstairs from my windows..
omg*
i couldnt believe my eyes..

it was such a touching surprise.
i cried.
i really cried..
never did i expect to see him before i leave SG.

it was the first & last surprise i ever had.

after that my heart is sitting on a roller coaster...
ups & downs throughout the r/s.
so worried that he don't love me.
so afraid that he will get angry with me.
i will panick whenever he ignores me..my calls..my smses.
i cried whenever i feel helpless & afraid..but he doesn't like it at all.
he's irritated when i cried.

but nevertheless..
i still love him.
i love him even more now.
never even stop loving him once.
not even once!
i fight this r/s for myself.

thou he says he loves me..
but honestly..
i really dono how much he really loves me.
only God knows his heart..knows his answer.

the r/s doesn't have any sweetness anymore.
i so wish i can go back to [ 19.07.2006 ] to have the sweetness again.

lotsa ppl gimme tons of surprises..
i don even care for that.
but i so hope the person giving me surprises is ..
YOU.
i wish that you will just pop up at 12am to give me a short lil surprise..
but that wish will never come true.
never did.