i am shit!

i never bothered to understand..
i never bothered to care..
i never bothered to do anything.

i do wateva i like.
i am:
not understanding.
not caring.
just a pile of shit.

i am totally blank now.
i feel like tearing myself apart..

all i have done are just meaningless.
just a nothing..
doesnt make any difference.

perhaps..
i am worse than just a PILE OF SHIT!

happy moments*

today suppose to work split shift de..
but really cant tahan the pain liao.
really not feeling well.
told ks.
tot he got saleh to replace me..
but ling sms said she is replacing me..
thanks to her..
if not..i cant rest at home le.

but tml need to work split due to last min stuff.
nvm la.
earn back wat i have not earned today.

yesterday i was very happy..
went swimming with dear..
then ate kfc..
after that we went to watch "Underdog"..
quite a nice & funny movie!

i really enjoyed those moments yesterday!
but time passed real fast without knowing esp when there is happy moments.

omg*
I REALLY REALLY ENJOYED THOSE MOMENTS ON 26 SEPTEMBER!
how i wish time could just stop there.

tml can see dear again..
yeahx~

i'm gonna rest slightly early tonight.
so tml will feel better..hopefully la..

actually wanna upload those pics for the lantern festival de..
but things doesnt turn out right for me.
wanna upload today..
but not feeling well..
so no mood.

but i promise i will upload soon.
today really damn no mood.
but just now dear came to my house for awhile to accompany me.
he eased my pain a lil bit.
though its just within 30mins in my house..
but i am contented.

oh yah.
today is jeremy & ling's 7mths anniversary.
hehe*
i still remembered!
but i feel so bad & guilty..
cos ling replaced me today..
she was supposed to meet jeremy today for anniversary.
i am so bad.
i caused my mei to miss out her special day with jer.
i am so sorry.
i didnt mean it.

stopping here liao.
nth much to add on..

拥有你是我一生中最开心的事。。
我真的很幸福！

happy day :)

just came back from work.
waiting for dear to come down..
then we going swimming..
maybe after that going for movies..

hehe*
this will be this very first time going to singapore's swimming complex.
cos he scared paisehx~~~
but i still don get it why he feels so paisehx..
hmm..
i am so looking forward to it.

today finish work damn early!
12.30pm then can go home le.
but early morning damn STEAMED loh!
i was like so stoned*

ling was the first person to reach.
i was the second one.
but ah jui was the very very very first person.
des & ady was late..
both overslept -.-"
lolx*

setting up the restaurant again was like hell..
carrying tables & chairs..
clearing up the mess was like..
so sick of that everytime la!
although we are all tired..
but quite fun though..
i was joking with ady while carrying the tables..
everything was just so funny.

anyway..
i am stopping here now.
going to wash my hair cos of the black hair spray due to work.
byeee.

i believe...

i believe...

i will be real STEAMED tml morning..
cant believe that i have to wake up in the early morning after so many years of not waking up at 6.30am!

supposingly having some plans after work..
but now..
see how it goes.

anyway..
中秋节快乐..

shall stop here now.
wanted to upload the remaining pics..
but i am so so so lazy to do it now..

goodnight.

swollen feet :(

my feet is so so so painful.
yesterday was painful.
today is worse.
cant even walk properly now.
well..
i shall rest at home tonight.
tml working split shift le..
after that must faster go home..
cos the next following day gotta wake up at 6.30am!
as i gotta reach VM at 8am.
omg*
just a few hrs sleep.
wonder whether i can wake up anot..

took some pics 2days back..
also took quite a number of pics yesterday night!!!
but no time to upload now.
shall upload all the pics in my next updated blog.

deadbeat..

i am so busy working..
struggling with my studies..

these few days don even have the time to update!
my legs are so dead now.
today work split shift with shihua..
dear was also working inside the kitchen this morning..
but he finish work at 5.30pm.
shiok la!

then sleep until so dead during the shift break.
dear woke me up..
i was like so ..............
i don have enuff sleep!
argh*

work inside the restaurant with ling, melissa & desmond.
finally wait till 9.30..
actually suppose to end work at 10pm.
then ady let me & shihua go..
hmm..
then me & shihua went to makansutra have our supper..
very hungry!
went to the same stall but..
she had hokkien mee..
i had char kway teow..
quite yummy!

ling & jer had serious problems now..
i hope they will see a rainbow soon..
hope everything will be fine for them in a while.
god bless..

he may not be reading this..
but i still wanna say,
jeremy..
CHEER UP!
everything will be fine.

ADAM WONG..
i miss u..
i love u so so so much!

eek*

sian again..
later going school.
but i am going off during break time.
cos i die die wanna watch channel 8 show at 9pm..
today last episode!
wee*

after that wait for dear to fetch me..
so i can happily watch finish my show then have a quick shower..

argh..
gotta really study for my exams soon..
economics is killing me..

but today's lesson is quantitative methods!
die la..
i am so noob.

a touching story

i came across some webbie & read this story.
so touching.
later i will ask dear the same question!

today's posting will be very long.
the story goes like this....

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as strangers. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

touching right?

yesterday's business not bad.
better than those previous weeks of friday.

the indian man was so good..
spent around 900+++ ....
my eyes was so widen.
3 bottles of wine!
lots and lots of tapas..
3 paellas!
8ppl...

he is real rich.

gotta go school soon..
sian.
after that still need to buy black hair spray.
walao.
hair too obvious..
next time take pic then upload :)

tonight can see dear again..
weehee*
he accompanying me tonight.
i love him.

3 consecutive mornings..

will be quite busy these few days.
yesterday work morning..
today also work morning..
but today work split.

so steamed!
cos i woke up early morning with dear to send tessa off at the airport..
only slept 4hrs on monday night..
then slept again for about 45mins then wake up again go work.
can u imagine that?
how tired i am?

tml working morning again!
still gotta go school after that..
my mind was saying..
"wat the hell?"

might not be updating the two following days..
cos going dear's hse after school.
shall be back on thursday night.
hopefully can go dye hair over there.
weehee*
i so wanna highlight hair once again.
hmm..
but doesnt really matter la.

anyway..
i shall stop here.
eyes shutting down..
my mind & body doesnt wanna listen to me anymore..
its beyond control at the time being.

7hrs more before i gotta wake up again..
continue my day of battle soon.

goodnight.

floating away~~~

i am feeling so sick..
body seems so weightless..
seems like i'm floating away..
omg*
tml working morning somemore..
after that still got school..

my body isnt listening to me..
pls dont play a fool outta me!
my face is so red..
as if i have my pink blusher applied.

HELP*

my hair :(

went to trim my hair..
slightly shorter..
still feel abit sad for my hair..
but no choice..
my ends too dry le..


i am gonna miss my hair..


say byebye..


my dear's hair..i created it. hehe* looks cute.


found this kitten. looks big? cos i zoomed it.


cute right?


the mother is peeking at the cam. omg* i love this pic!

later going to fetch dear liao..
nth much to update these few days.
tml going out with my dad, bro-in-law, my sis & my niece, rachel.
yay*
i so miss rachel.
she's so lovely..

thats all for today.
will be back soon.

tears flowed again..

i cried.
this time i really cried very hard.

the one whom i need is not with me.
perhaps its my fault.

i am still crying now.
i cant just control my tears.

i blame myself.
maybe..
perhaps..
i should be used to it by now.
but i am still not able to adapt to this.

thanks to kenji & nic..
kenji cant come out..
so he ask nic to accompany me..

thanks to nic..
trying so hard to make me smile.
telling me lame jokes to make me laugh.
seeing me cry..
now makes me feel embarrassed.
i am very touched.

nic was told by kenji to buy bubble tea & french fries..
cos these two small lil things could cheer me up.

i did smile.
i don wanna disappoint both of their hard efforts.
especially nic's effort to come all the way down from his house.

but he's bad sia.
kenji asked him to force me finish the porridge then can eat the fries!
i was like wth..
as if i can feel kenji was around.
oh god!

well..
i go play games awhile..
then go sleep.

pain..

mentioning my previous posting that i'm going to school a few hrs ago right?
wondering why i can still post here yet again?

i didnt go school.
cos feeling very unwell.
my lower left hip hurts alot.
hurts to the extend that i cant walk.
now not so painful..
slightly better..
but the sudden sharp pain will still come back out of a sudden.

haix.
tml i am working split shift.
hopefully the pain will never come.
if not it will cause me real inconveniences liao!~

as for tonight..
i will be alone again..
wat to do..
hug my baby pillow to sleep ba..

besides my painful hips..
i am also feeling very sick.
no mood for this & that.

i usually love to eat..
i can actually eat alot!
but today..
no appetite to eat at all.
today only had 1 meal.
but i felt so reluctant to eat.
cos i'm so giddy during the afternoon.
nvm ba.
take it as a diet for me.

have been vomiting all day.
spoils my mood.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

stuuupiid f0Ol..

i am so BORED at home!

felt so alone..
everybody is out.
but not me!

i should have gone out with my friends..
& not being a stupid fool to stay at home!

i dono wat to do now..
i so feel like crying..

yeah.
i do cried.

went to the doctor..
Dr. Kwan said..
Yvonne, try to think positive.
everytime i see u..
u are mostly in depression.

oh god..
do i really have depression?

my left hip hurts alot!
the pain is so great that my tears flowed during midnight.
but no one is there for me.

my gigantic fluffie is gone..
left me alone.

worse of all..
the one i need the most isn't around by my side.

haix.
am i the only one who feels & thinks this way?
am i the stupid fool?

am i the only one who feels lonely at this moment of time?
yeah.
perhaps..
i guess so.

oh shit.
gastric pain again..
wth!
argh..........
it hurts la..

sian la.
still gotta go school later..

WTH?!

walao..
i am so heart broken lor..

my 笨老鼠 lor!
racking my brains..
wrote him such a long msg..
then he said replied saying that my sms is very long..
so fucking hell!
辛辛苦苦create the sms myself then kanna those replies..

YVONNE HO..
u are a damn pathetic soul.
poor u!

but pls..
my dear..
be a lil bit more romantic..
dont spoil that romantic mood of mine!

笨老鼠!
臭老鼠!
讨厌鼠!

argh..
i was like so..
blank in my mind.
haix.
but what to do..
i love him.

as long as he loves me with his heart,
no matter how unromantic he is..
i still love him.

tired eyes.

woke up early this morning..
acompanied my dad to sent her there.

then met up with nic to have lunch since he's near my area.
have bubble tea & nasi lemak.
then went home to sleep awhile.
go class.
today's class was bored.
i am so tired.

i wasnt feeling well..
so gordon sent me home.
thanks gordon!

i am still upset.
tears flowed.

sadden..

i just heard something..
perhaps its nothing.
but i still feel uncomfortable.
u know..
its the "sour sour" feeling..

nice chat..

just now smsing my cousin, peifen..
but i always address her as ah fen since young.
not really close la..
cos she always talk to my sis de..
only recently start smsing..
quite comfortable talking to her..

now then know we got lotsa secrets & common stuffs to share..
so shocked that we actually both *****!
lolx.

still dono whether my dear coming to acc me anot..
cos tue & wed most probably cant meet him.
cos i got school on wed.
then if i go..
he need to leave hse earlier to send me to school.
if i didnt go..
he can leave his house later..
haix.
i will miss him lots.
but i know i cant be so selfish to keep him by my side all the time.

hope to meet out with my cousin soon.

>__<"

i am so so so bored.
very tired.
very sleepy.
but cant sleep..

maybe dear will be coming to accompany me tonight.
i hope so.
i so miss him alot!

nothing much to update also.
playing games..
watching tv..
thats all.

i wanna see my dear..

a blank mind.

recently got some problems..
my dad fractured his hand..
haix.
now gotta send my grdma to some healthcare place..
gotta spend another sum of money..

very sad..
actually when i saw my dad's hand being bandaged..
i was so shocked.
very heartbroken too..
i cried secretly inside the toilet..

sometimes i blame myself for not being good in studies..
working part time..
but the pay i earn is just peanuts compared to others.

i can only afford to spend on myself..
sometimes buy something which my dad really needs.
today bought food for him before i go work..

my dad might be a lil big-sized.
my dad's voice might be a lil bit louder.
but he is a very nice man.
i knew that.
a big man like him can even cry while watching touching shows..
my dad isnt rich.
but he still donate money once awhile.
he always help those who are in need of help.

he did not even get remarried after my mum passed away almost 9yrs ago.

he keeps every matter to himself.
whatever pain he have..
he will still act as if there's nothing!
he will still smile and be happy.

i am just so upset..
how come nobody is willing to take care of her..?
why are they pushing everything to my dad?
why are they bullying my dad?
just because my dad doesnt speak up?

my mind is totally blank.
i felt really useless this time.

i left my hp at my workplace..
and now i have to bother my dear to get my hp back for me.
i knew i have bothered him..
gave him countless of troubles and inconveniences.

i was once very afraid.
but i have nvr felt so useless before.

i am so hungry after work.
but after giving some money to my dad to buy food for this week..
i don even wanna spend money on my own food.
cos i now only left not much of money to last me thru my next coming pay.

yvonne..
u are damn pathetic..
well..
i do think i am pathetic..