活在黑暗的世界。。

我的世界是黑的。。
我因为太过花时间在工作上，
忽略我的亲戚。。
我失去我的表兄妹。。
已经没联络了。。
其实在我的心里，
我是真的很难过！
虽然忙只是一个借口，
但事实上，
我的工作时间真是排到满满！
我是不可能在周末休息的。。
可是好想都没人理解过我。

我的表姐都已经注册结婚了。。
但我根本都不知道。。
直到我看到她的网上日记。
我真的为她感到很开心也充满祝福！
但我的祝福其实是多余的。。
有没有不都是一样的吗？

我每年的新年都很期待看到他们。。
但同时也很害怕。。
因为一到那里就没骂个不停。。
搞到我都不敢过去了。。
所以他们误会我！
以为我是因为母亲过世后就翅膀硬了然后不管他们！
我根本都没有这样的想法。。
每当想过去的时候，
我就很怕被骂！
所以一直都有所保留！
就这样很久都没有过去。。
从以前的几个月去1次。。
后来慢慢变成1年只去1次！
而且是在新年的时候才去。。
他们又认为过去只是拿个红包吃顿饭就拍拍屁股走人了。
误会就是那么深的。。

我唯一能相信的表姐是佩珊。。
年纪只有1年的距离。
从我第1次的失恋，
唯一的亲人也只有她知道。
唉。。

我最近都很忧郁。。
但很多时候都不知道我到底不开心什么。。
有时又突然哭起来，
却又不知道到底再哭些什么！
我真得很辛苦！

我已经失去了很多很多东西。。
可能因为这样，
我在现在感情路上有很多不开心的事发生。
我很敏感。。
总是怕宝贝会离开我或在外面有其它的女人。
我知道宝贝是爱我的。。
可是有些时候我还是没有安全感。。
总是没法给他100%的信任。
我做人真的是做到很失败。。
我是一个失败者！

其实谁对我好，
谁对我不好，
我的心里是最清楚的。
我只是没说出来罢了！
只是我很不喜欢我的阿姨每次在很多人的面前说我这个那个！
自尊心都受损了。
每次一过去都说个不停。。
我哪里还敢过去？
过去就等于找挨骂！
不就是送羊入虎口吗！？

我现在最需要的是我的宝贝！
因为我把全部的爱和精力都放在他的身上了！
也就是因为我很多时候都很敏感的最大原因。
我知道宝贝一直认为我不信任他，
在他的眼里，我是个长不大的孩子！
我从小就是这样。。
我并不是故意的！
我真得很努力去改了。。
但每一次都失败收场！
我真得很怕！
连宝贝都说他累了。。
我只想和他在一起！

除了宝贝，黄成华。。

我的心里根本容纳不下任何人！

我很希望宝贝会理解我现在的心情！

c o n f u s e d

i dono if i'm feelin sad or not..
mixed feelings.
am i having depression problems again?
i feel like crying..
i suddenly feel so lonely..
seems like no one is here for me..
no one is here to care for me..
is that really so?
or my depression causes me to think like this?
i have been complaining to baby for his lack of time, care & concern..
quarrels & quarrels are all we had these few days.
all i did was mainly..
cry..cried..cry again.
non stop these few days..
every night!
damn torturing.

wats really wrong with me?
izzt bcos workload is too stressful for me to take it?
is this why i became like this?

alone in e vip room.
haix.
so quiet.
even my heart doesnt have the energy..
seems like my heart is lazy too.

argh*
how come i dono wat i'm feelin?
how come!
i hate this!
i feel like slping..
yet i cant..

i feel like crying..
yet again..
i cant!

nb.

mediacorp filming at vl..

today mediacorp went to vl for some shooting..
those staffs are very nice..
like josephine..moonhwa..
saw dasmond koh also..
he apologised for those "guests" who broke some of my plates..
even josephine also..
but weird..
e "auntie" who broke it nvr apologise..
somemore like act like nth happened!
i was like..
eyes widen!
dasmond disappeared after awhile.
left josephine & moonhwa..
moonhwa is the senior producer..

gd luck to josephine..
she ate the wasabe squid jus after she finished her chix pox period.
hopefully nth happens.
god bless her.
i'll sure give her 15% when she comes by next time!

yummy yummy

mentioing about ytd night..
walk back to vm wif simon.
then we met simon at chinatown.

had supper with my baby, simon & juan..
wahs..
simon know ppl there de lor..
so funny..
had jokes also..
laugh like hell..
simon kept makin fun of juan.
somemore they shared a piece of beancurd.
lolx.

then he gotta rush to his bus stop take bus..
juan walked with him..

so me & baby walked back to e carpark.

baby is buying new car..
or should i say already buy liao?
cos now he's preparing the documents..
fred already type out his letter..
now only his pay slip left..
he's happy now.

i guess my position drop down again..
cos now..
e top position is his coming new car..
guys..
forever e same.

i think i really think too much..
my bad habit..
ok.
i must get rid of that.

today off.
nth to do.
spent all my time watching TVB dramas..
shiok.

sianx..

finished work at 7.30pm..
but i am still in vl..
spider ask me oversee how they work.
nb.
i tot i can get some new blouse today..
idiot!

there's a couple in my rest..
they have this "Celiac Disease".
things like rye, oats, barley & wheat are strictly not for them.
i was so paisehx jus now..
cos i already changed to my own clothes..
juan came to me & insist me to go out.
so nb one.
ok.
no choice.
i went out.

now waiting for simon to go bk vm..
cos i walkin back with him.

tonight shall be spending my night with my baby.

byebye.

being loved is such a wonderful thing

so tired today.
argh.
i am so busy.
oh gosh..

thanks baby for the mickey mouse keychain!
love u.
u changed alot for me.
i knew it.
i feel it all these while.
thanks baby.
but pls do not neglect my feelings at certain times.
cos those "certain times" might be my worst periods in my entire life.
thanks to baby who gave me more attention than before..
u cared much more for me now.
i didnt say it.
but deep inside my heart..
it seems to be jumping up down without control.
my heart feels so happie & being loved.

i will try to control my temper as well..
thats my target!

i love u, baby!
God sent u to me.
adam wong, u are the most wonderful gift that i ever had.
cos u made me feel everything.
very sad..
very happy..
very lonely..
as well as,
care & concern from u.
your attention given to me.
your once-awhile little gifts.
most of all..
your time.

i hope things will remain like this.
but i know its another dream of mine.
cos every r/s goes thru ups & downs.
staying side by side supporting each other during thunderstorm period will make our love grows stronger.
i believe so.

sick

feel so sick.
having fever.
not enuff rest.
my voice still not steady yet.
nose slightly better..
but still..

no one seems to care..
feel so lonely..

:'(

no brains. pissed off.

today supposed to work split shift.
but ended up full shift again.
fuck.
all bcos of e stupid withered rose.
she simply got no brains.
nb la..

its all bcos of her alone..
me & juan work like fuck.

i so hate her now.
today is my 1st time that vl need 5 staffs to work evening.
5 staffs also not enuff.
the rest was full!
omgness*

but luckily..
thanks to the two japanese couple who made my evening brighter..

i was so pissed off jus now.

tml workin morn again..
sianx sia..
i'm so gonna drop dead at any minute.

ok.
stop here.
i am so tired of typing nonsenses..
jus wanna vent my anger off here.

sucky life.

i am so tired today..
as usual..
e meeting took so long to finish..
i guess i have nvr been so tired all these years.
this year is my most tiring year in my entire life.

no mood to do anything now.
jus wanna post a short update before i jump to my bed.
ok.
thats about it for now.

i guess i wont be online tml.
cos i'm will be damn damn damn tired tml.

10.30am-11pm.
oh manx.
i so hope time will pass super fast tml.
don even noe how am i gonna survive..

sianx la.
i am so hoping for my next off day even though i already had my 2 off days on tue & wed.
argh!
wtf!
life totally sucks now.
dammit.

no rest. staff gathering. steamboating session.

i am so occupied with stuffs these few days.
omg*
nvr had a day of rest.

tuesday-
tot i can wake up later then meet baby to collect his report.
BUT..
ended up i couldnt make it.
COS..
spider woke up me with so many smses askin me to go boss office for meeting.
sounds so urgent.
ok.
i woke up with a very reluctant look.
i am given a tough assignment.
omgness*
rush all e way down to toa payoh.
met up with ady.
cos we are the only ones who are called to be there.
spider drove us down to vm.
so i waited for spider.
cos she said she is driving me back to vl.

so i slacked at vl for awhile den go marina to meet my bro.
had a very full & yummy meal at Yotei Restaurant.
i wanted to treat him.
but..
he insisted.
i cant even see e receipt.

tot i wun attend e staff gathering.
then baby last min changes his mind.
so we went lor.
had supper at Lau Pa Sat.
wah.
food was alot.
but couldnt really finish.
some of e food sucks.
cannot make it sia.

kinda steam-ed on tues nite.
went home.
bathe.
slp.

today is wed-
den mornin time..
baby woke up for work.
i had to wake up too.
cos i had dental appointment at 12pm.
but i reach there at 12.30pm.
ok.
i'm a late queen.
then rush to ICA to collect my new passport.

after that went down vl to meet my rach darling.
reason: steamboating session.
so shiok lor.

see how busy i am?

met her fren also.
she is jane.
quite ok la.
chattable.
at least not dull ppl...

but we saw a gal over there..
so kb.
tink she so pretty like tt..
yucks.

tml work split shift.
but i cannot have split.
meeting at 3pm.
argh*
why is my schedule so hectic de?

i feel like i'm a super busy career women.
lolx*