my deep hidden words.

sometimes i blamed myself for being so soft-hearted..
i thought i can just put everything aside & let go like this.

我是不是真得很心软？
很多时候。。
我以为我可以很潇洒。。
容易放得开很多事。。
但是我错了。

刚才放工去走走时。。
又帮baby买了一个小小的圣诞礼物。。
这个月的储蓄不是很多，
平时也没省钱。。
只希望他真的喜欢就好。。
要不然。。
我的用心就白费了。
我为他找的东西对他来说都是多余的。

am i on the right track?
can someone tell me?
i am very lost.

i only know that i'm falling deeper..
but yet i allowed myself to fall without any caution.
will i get hurt in the end?

最后受伤的人会不会还是我？
我无法回头了。
我的眼泪已经流下来了，
好像不会再听我的话。。
一直流。。
我知道我只能往前走，
就算将来会是个空白。。
我知道我是不会后悔的。

i cant think of any words to describe how i feel.

你是不是想对我说你要。。。呢？
我没了安全感。
整天一直害怕这个那个。。
我是真的很累。。
但我从没想过要放弃！
真的没有。

我也把田野搞得晕头转向。
他每一次都在为我现在的身体状况担心。
有时觉得很对不起他。。
很多时候，
没有他的话。。
我早已经倒下崩溃了。
是他一直在鼓励我决不放弃对自己深爱的人。。
田野每次都让着我。。
我的心里很清楚知道，
所做的事都是要我开心地过。
其实他自己心里很害怕我的病情复发。。
所以他一直不停的疼我，宠爱我。

他的感情生活也不是很顺利。

我有时候也会祈祷美由贵会对他好点。

who doesn't want a smooth-sailing relationship?

我只想要和我的baby开开心心在一起！
只要他开心就好！
真的只希望他跟我会开心。
我什么都不想要了。
我不再希望或期待会有什么惊喜。。
不指望有没有浪漫。。
只要我们在一起会开心，
我愿意尝试接受所有的一切！
为了得到一个和baby有更好又稳定的感情生活。。
我就算失去一些东西但能够换来我要的幸福，
我都会认为这一切都是值得的！

give me more time to try everything out again.
i wanna start afresh in a more better way.

对不起，
我一直对你发脾气。
但我还是依然很爱你。
我只爱你一个人。

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

baby just went home.
at 12.00am..
we are still on the way home..
i wanted to say "Happy Anniversary" first..
but i lost.
baby took my words.
>__<"

today went out with baby, his mum, his nephew & his elder sis..
shopping around his area..
bought my contact lenses around 9plus..
thank god its still open.
however,
i am unable to buy the black tape..
too bad..
i just have to force myself to go popular or go marina square to get it.

baby is still on the way home.
well..
i am gonna have my shower now & wait for his sms.
have a safe trip home, baby!

P.S: my dearest adam..happy anniversary! i love you & will always do. its god's blessing to have you in my life.
认识你是我一生中最快乐的日子。
我无法想象如果没有你，
我未来的日子要怎么过下去。。
希望我永远都可以拥有你。。
无论是喜或悲，
我都愿意和你一起共度未来的日子。
因为我爱你，黄成华！

finally..

today's weather sucks.
baby & me got wet from head to toe.
we thought we are lucky to leave his house early..
as we knew the weather isnt good.
BUT..
after we passed the SG custom..
rain became heavier la.
my feets are so painful.
hit by the falling rain.
thou we are throughly wet like 落汤鸡..
but we still laugh at each other for our wet clothes.
i called desmond for help..
he asked weisheng to bring us umbrella.
THANKS ALOT to weisheng.
if not..
our hair will be dripping wet.

oh well..
he was slightly luckier than me.
cos he still have chance to change his chef's uniform.
as for me..
i'm more worse.
i had to wear my wet long sleeved uniform and pants to work.
cold like f**k.
but nvm.
i didnt regret or blame my precious baby.
cos i get to spend my night with him yesterday at JB.
i slept very soundly yesterday night.
weather was cold.
baby & me was hiding under the blanket.
so warm.
fell asleep very fast.
we both were very tired after work anyway..
so its not strange.

today's work abit bored.
not much people.
everywhere was wet la.
where got mood to come out right?...

well..
i finally managed to hang on till 1am for work.

baby bought maggie mee for me before he went home.
thought i will eat at home..
in the end..
i ate in the bar.
better still..
can go home bathe then sleep.
no more worries about my hungriness.

i'm so gonna sleep soon.
tml i'm working split end >__<"
nvm.
ady was kind enough to put me OFF on monday.
so that i can go back with baby to his house.

goodnight.

another lucky day..

i am so lucky today.
time flies super fast from 6plus till 10!
all the way busy for the NATAS function..
wore the christmas hat..

got a cut on my middle finger.
that wine glass lor!
but i was so touched when edrian offered me his handkerchief to stop my blood.
i said never mind though.
cos its his handkerchief..
i don want my blood to stain it.
i will feel rather guilty in the end.

got a small teddy bear from the AIG host.
cos they still got lotsa bears..
so every staffs got a small cutie bear.
i think i love the paper bag more..
cos more "class"..
lolx*

well..
i am still lucky at this moment :)
someone is blow-drying my hair for me while i am typing this..
that person is my beloved boy.
the so-called hair stylist is ADAM WONG.
my hair looks so STYLED at this minute.
wasted uh?
he should have been given a chance to be a hairstylist!

time to go off again.
byeeeeeeeeee.

emo shit.

does he really love me?
if he does..
how come he never display our pic on anywhere?
excuses being given that he doesnt have our pics in his phone..
but i have right..
he could have just take it from me.

its the thoughts that counts!!!

but all along he never did all this.
why?

i will wait..
i will see whether our hooking fingers will last through all this..

actually i know he's bothered by his family problems..
but i am also bothered by my own family problems..
at the same time..
this problem in our r/s is also affecting my daily life.
eg. no mood for anything.
its damn frustrating.

thou we are now some sort of fine already.
but i am always in a damn "frightening" mode.
i can just break down secretly anytime.
just like today afternoon.

no one ever noticed that i cried while having my staff lunch.
well..
its over.
i shouldnt think about it.
i know for sure it will happen again in time to come..
but right now..
i shouldnt think of anything.
unless the problem crop-up again..
which i really hope not.
GOD BLESS ME.

我是真的真的很爱你。。
但有些时候，
我真的忍不住。
不说又不行。。
心里很乱。
感到很害怕，无助，非常伤心！
我并不是很喜欢和你吵架，
每一次吵架的时候，
我都会哭。
还越哭越伤心！

我爱你，
但有些时候，
有些事令我很受不了。
你能明白吗？

我不是故意在你很烦的时候来烦你和你吵架。
真的是无心的。。
你可能觉得我很无理取闹。。
我是会闹闹情绪的。。
我只是需要一些你对我的注意力，关心和关怀就行了。
我会很过分吗？
我这样要要求会过分吗？

my throat is so painful..
cant even drink much water..
swallowing water or food causes me to grab my whole throat immediately for pain.
coughing like hell..
my tummy hurts badly whenever i start coughing.

tml gonna work from 1pm all the way till 11pm.
oh manx.
i wonder how's time gonna pass through the whole day tml..
i will be damn steam-ed.
100% guarantee plus chop!!
i will be complaining of the slow time.
somemore..
busy day!
tml got function.
early afternoon got reservation for suckling piglet.
hmm.
no matter what..
i must grit my teeth & continue to bear with it.
die lor.
i have not even work for a full month & i started to complain here & there.
i am a real 大小姐..

okk..
time for me to sleep.
BUT..
i will still wait for my baby to reach home safely then i will report to my 梦幻世界..
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!
he just smsed me.
reach home.
oh well then..
after his shower..
then we will both travel to our 爱情世界 together!

lost..

ytd was so shag.
supposed to finish 10pm for my split shift de..
ended up 11pm.
shihua ended early cos she's not feeling well.
so let her go lor..
jeremy extended to 11pm instead.
then went out with the rest to usual place for supper.
the people who were there..
patpat kor, binbin korkor, ah keong, shela, shihua, shihui, shela, jeremy, baby & me.

unfortunately..
i was too tired and not feeling good..
didnt really get to enjoy much.
hmm..
too bad for me then.

today woke up feeling super unwell..
somemore raining..
i was like ..
WTF!?
haix.
i don wish to mention the rest over here..
i don wanna cry again.
my eyes are damn red & puffy enough..
freaking swollen.

baby promised to bring me there to get something tml night after work.
will he fulfill his promise to me?
will he?
i am scared.
really scared!
no words can describe how afraid i am for broken promises.

i am so lost.
完全迷失了方向。。

i'm rather afraid.

tml have to wake up early.
cos i need to go for a checkup.
made an appointment last min with my doc.

haix.
negative feelings again.
somehow,
i am really afraid.
i had frequent pains these few weeks.
never seem to feel better or so.

kenji will be accompanying me.
cos i don wanna go alone.
thanks bro~
i so appreciate for his efforts to come down all the way to bring me there.

i couldnt sleep.
insomia.
i mean very serious..
i am absolutely tired & yet i am still awake.

just now while watching tv..
the pain came back.
this time,
i know its aint a good sign.
is that a relapse?
oh god..
pls tell me its just a negative thinking in my lost mind.

wanted to tell baby that i'm going for checkup tml morn..
but he didnt reply me the whole night.
don't know he's sleeping or wateva?
hmm..
do i feel sad that he doesnt really seem to care?
nope.
this time..
i don think i am sad.

反正伤心也没用，
看来我开始懂得该怎么应付乐。。
这次，我也不是很伤心。
反而觉得有点无所谓的心情。
到底是好事还是不祥之兆呢？

any surprises?

i am so TIRED.
full-time job is really tiring.
omg*
i so feel like crying at times.
but i often think of money to hang on to my long hours of work.

today got function in BAR.
my legs doesnt wanna obey me..
kept throwing tantrum.
even now..
my back aches like F**K ok!
totally no mood.
no one knows how i really feel actually..
but kenji proves me wrong.
he knew exactly how i feel.
i am afraid.
damn afraid in relationships.
i am so senstive.
all due to my ex relationships..
so..
cant blame me for that.
i am a pure SCORPION.

baby knows i'm sad at times..
but he doesnt know how to cheer me up.
a pure 大石头!
but still..
he do cheer me up & my mood flies to the skies once awhile.
thats why i love BABY.

P.S: I AM CRAVING FOR SURPRISES!

regarding work..

today so bored at work.
rained the whole day.
i so wish i could just sleep on my comfy bed all day long.

gonna sleep real soon.
tml work 11-8..
too bad cant finish work the same time as baby..

argh.
tml will be another tiring day for me.
function.
oh manx.

a rainbow after the rain..

i'm back again.
today had a big quarrel with baby..
but..
we are fine again.

baby should be reaching home soon..
oh well..

the first 2days of my full-time was quite ok.
i was kinda steam-ed on sunday working split shift.
cos not enuff slp on sat night as i finish at 1am.
somemore..
"big auntie" arrived.
my second time kana split shift on my first day of "big auntie"..
tummy cramped like F**K!
mood totally gone.
no appetite.
luckily time passes quite fast on sun.
jeremy worked in bar ytd evening.
thank god.
its not me.
dear reached at ard 10plus..
then we waited for jeremy to finish work.
went makansutra to have supper.
he had a $6 char kway teow..
baby & me are quite stunt-ed.
walao..
the portion is like damn much lor.
he's damn a good & big eater i should say......
he really finished the whole plate.
and plus 5 chix satays.

then baby drove me home for me to change & get my stuffs.
meanwhile..
jeremy & baby chatted at my house downstairs.
definitely talking about cars' stuffs la..
(still got what else?....)

then i quickly bathed went down.
we supposed to send jeremy to ang mo kio area then he will take cab cos much more nearer and cheaper.
but in the end..
getting nearer..
jeremy said VERY NEAR his house liao.
so..
we might as well send him home right?
since he also accompany us eat supper..
plus no train le..
its a nice supper with him anyway.
quite awhile nvr meet up and chit chat..

walao.
u noe..
baby & me laughed..
when jeremy got down the car..
he waved byebye at us with his face still facing US!
nvr bother seeing both sides of the road..
lucky there's no car la.

so we went back to JB.
baby transformed to a gan chiong spider when we reached the custom..
abit jammed la.
actually nvm de..
but baby nvr top-up his cashcard..
will get summon ma..
he was like so fed up.
but we managed to reach the custom officer at 1.55am!
cos 2am sharp then will have to pay $20 for car..furthermore..lack of cash in cashcard will get summon.
u get what i mean?
so yeah..

i am going to munch on something..
very hungry.

P.S: YVONNE ("v") ADAM